“God, I feel like You jipped me,” I prayed, tears welling up in my eyes so far I couldn’t see straight anymore.

I sniffed.

My gut hurt in a huge way.

I took a shuddering breath.  Again.  Then, “God, I believe in You.  I do.  Just help my unbelief.”

One of my friends went on to Heaven this week.

Because I had not known her long, some people wonder at my tears and grief.  I actually felt I may need to apologize for it, to keep it to myself at first.

But the truth is that in the short time I knew Natalie, she made a huge impact on my life.  And my heart is so broken feeling, so sad.

A recent email exchange between the two of us had us both saying it was a total God thing that our paths had crossed and how cool is God?

That God moment was easy to believe in.

Mere weeks later she suffered a huge heart attack – while in the hospital because they knew she was having heart issues – which caused brain damage.  Her life here suddenly ended, but her life suddenly gave life to so many due to her organs…as she was gifted with a donated heart years ago.

As a group of us gathered on Wednesday morning to cry, to remember, I went along even though a dark voice told me I didn’t belong, not knowing her as these women did.

I am so glad I went.  I’ll treasure that morning for a long time.

As I listened to story after story of the remarkable woman she was, the woman I had just gotten to know, the woman whose words I had sat under as she taught her Bible study, the woman who for whatever reason I immediately connected with in a way unlike my soul usually does, I again felt that cry I had uttered to God…

“God, You jipped me.”

But do I believe God, or do I not?

I do.

I don’t understand it.  Not even a little. I would rather watch to see how God works this out then doubt Him.  I may never see how it worked out to His glory here, but I’ll trust anyhow.

How did Natalie live a life that impacted so many?  She lived out her love for God.  She lived authentically.

As someone who knew her well, “She was a modern living breathing Bible person in real life.”  Like the ones we read about in the Bible.

Wow.

I keep reminding myself to Give Thanks in All Things.  Not for all things, but IN all things.  I am thanking God I was fortunate to have met Natalie.  I am fortunate to be around women who knew her so well.

When I think of how she is singing with a strong heart in heaven now, I can’t help but feel more Joy for her and less sorrow for us.

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2 Responses to God, You Jipped Me

  1. Naomi Vanharn says:

    Beautifully written.
    I am so sorry for your loss.

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