I quit my job to be a stay at home mom.
It sounds so simple and bare like that but in a nutshell, there you have it.
After over seven years working part time at the library that is very literally right around the corner from our home, we made the decision to have me be a full time stay at home mom again. On paper it doesn’t make a bit of sense, but to our family it made perfect sense.
Life is made up of so many little moments, little seemingly mundane moments that all come together to make a really grand life and I was realizing that I was missing so much of it. All the little moments had turned into a painful loss.
One night, house trashed, kids everywhere, me exhausted, I plunked down on the couch next to my husband, took a huge deep breath and said, “I would really like to quit my job.”
“No. Way.” He said, “ You love the library!”
“No, I am serious. I want to quit and stay home. Not find another job, just stay home. And I want you to make the choice.”
Two days later he was enthusiastically telling me to quit.
I resigned right after Christmas.
Resigned has such a nice professional ring to it. “I have resigned” sounds diplomatic.
Jake just says “she quit that job”.
But my boys, oh my dear boys. They say I retired. I am an old retired lady now.
And to make my retired lady persona seem all the stronger, I also recently began wearing glasses and in January I took up knitting.
I can’t make this up.
The first week of being off of work I felt lost. I went like some kind of crazed woman and had to clean all these weird things like my junk drawer that I would like to say can no longer be called a junk drawer because it’s so organized. S3 opened that drawer to get something one morning and looking at it all organized and shut it without getting a thing out of it. Reopened it. Shook his head. “Having a stay at home mom is so weird,” he declared.
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“It’s not bad, it’s just so weird. Things are clean and just, well, done.”
So I beamed and felt all awesome and then all my kids got sick, Jake’s vehicle died, I went without a vehicle for a solid week (let’s just say dinner time got REALLY creative), my long planned weekend away with my husband for the first time in about five years got cancelled, we got a ton of snow and I got depressed.
I felt lost. And I felt elated. I was overjoyed and totally gripped with fear. I was so giddy and so sad to leave. I was so confident in our decision and questioning my sanity. I was a roller coaster of emotions. It was the kind of fun trip that had me sick to my stomach every single day that last month at work.
When work was done and I was home, I was rather shocked to find myself feeling lonely. But lonely in the sense that while I missed some people I also did not under any circumstances want to leave my home. Who knew introverted me would miss my people I talked with every week so much?
It was weird mix of being SO HAPPY to be home with my family and feeling totally lost and completely pummeled by life.
One day I was washing dishes at my sink and I spied this note card I had written….
“A simple life that revolves around loving your family doesn’t equate to a small life.”
I also had this verse written on the other side of it, “Take your everyday, ordinary life – your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life – and place it before God as an offering.” – Romans 12:1-2
Shocking to me, I had found it hard to say “I left a wonderful job to be a stay at home mom” as if I was selling myself short. Nothing bigger and better in the business world, I was choosing smaller and simpler and in the smaller and simpler I was feeling filled with gratitude as well as feeling like I was letting people down…oddly.
I was thinking on how my life had taken this wildly wonderful weird turn of events and how back in the olden days, I used to find a bit – okay, a lot – of joy in my every day and blog it.
I’ve missed writing. Missed the creative process of words to write and ruminate over. But I felt all dried up of words. For a long time I kept lowering my bucket into a dark abyss and coming up with nothing.
I found myself sending out too long texts and facebook messages and even a few hand written notes (gasp!) to friends and my mom. I would tell the boys little silly stories that had happened during the day.
Slowly the words started ruminating again and one evening I thought maybe I should get out the blog and spruce her up, throw a few words out to the world.
But my blog was hopelessly broken, warning and errors and oh my goodness gracious what is this mess???
It was then I realized how desperately I missed writing.
So while I am waiting to see how Go Daddy will fix my blog (above my knowledge skill level)…
I opened up a new page and typed this out to you all.
Hello again, world. It’s good to be writing again.
Thank you, Go Daddy, for fixing my blog. Your customer service really is the best!