Last night the boys and I curled up on the couches and chairs in our living room, had the fireplace crackling and cuddled under blankets we watched Jurassic World.
Yes, we watched a movie on a SCHOOL NIGHT.
Jake is fighting a cold and he had wanted (needed) to go to bed early and didn’t care if he watched it so he was sound asleep around 7:30 and the rest of us were jumping at the scary scenes in a dinosaur movie.
I didn’t know that S2 was excited to see it because it has Chris Pratt in it. I didn’t even know who Chris Pratt is. I didn’t know S2 watches Parks and Recreation, I never have. I felt old and out of “the know”.
There are a lot of things I thought I was keeping up on with my boys but I am realizing more and more how much I have been missing.
Jake asked me last night if I was bored at home yet.
I must have had the dumbest look on my face. Bored? At home? This home? Me? Bored?
Not even slightly.
I get a little lonely, I didn’t realize how much introverted me loved talking with all my people at the library but holy moly, I love love love love being home.
I used to wake up exhausted, get the boys up, down coffee while figuring out who needed to be where and what time and who was going to walk where and who could get a ride where and snap at “what? sign this now? How are you getting a C minus in your favorite class?”
Then I would hug them all and let them know I love them. I would wave goodbye, coffee in hand, as they drove the 1.3 miles to school.
As soon as they were out of sight I would rush around the house like a manic woman. Liberty had to go out to pee. The dinner had to be made and while I would always try to prep work it the night before, I still had work to do on the meal. Jake would almost always call and I would talk to him while I worked on dinner and started laundry. I’d make sure I’d have an after school snack, usually brownies from a box or cookie dough I had made up the night before and could quickly bake a few of. Sometimes I would even remember to eat breakfast.
Then I would eye the clock and jump in the shower to quickly wash up, get dressed, make up, hair, make a lunch and rush out the door to arrive to work two hours after I had waved goodbye to my boys.
I’d work all day and accomplish things. I’d get to love on some people and there were some people I wish would go away and never use a library, I’ll admit it. I would pray for so many people in a day! I would pray for me to help people, especially those people I wish wouldn’t visit the library.
At three someone from school would walk my nephews to the library for me, the boys would descend upon the library at various times, and I would be calling the house to remind whoever was at home what steps they needed to do for dinner, I’d remind my nephews to keep the legos they were playing with off the check out desk, I would remind the boys to do their chores, I would forget a million things it seemed.
I’d walk in the door just after five or seven and we would sometimes have to quick go drive to get a kid or we would quick eat so we could leave for a kid or I would be carrying my phone with me waiting to get an update from a kid (“Mama, I pinned him in 30 seconds! It was great!” “HOORAY! I am so proud of you! Thank your coach for letting you call me!”)
And then dinner would be done (and sometimes it would be ruined, I can’t lie, sometimes it was just awful)…
The. Smell. Is. So. Bad. – I made up a goulash Tuesday after dinner so we could have it Wednesday for dinner. I am always trying to have easy to do dinners on days I work. – I called the boys to warm it up because they wanted to go to a wrestling meet that night. – I uttered these words aloud “I know they are capable of making this dinner.” – I walked in at 5:05 pm and The Smell. – “It got a little burnt” I was told “burnt should be okay.” – Venison is stinky to begin with. Burnt venison goulash is another story. – People. My house smells. Even all these hours later it smells so very bad. – Thank goodness for cereal and milk and my sister’s peach cobbler she left here for us. – Now who wants to come help me scrub this pot? – #dinnerfail #lifewithfourboyscoffeeplease
…and I would try to remember to swap out the laundry, I would try to get the dishes done, I would try to have a conversation with a kid but it was usually just a “BE NICE TO YOUR BROTHER!”, I would try to sit on the couch next to Jake and watch a show, I would try try try try try and never get it close to done. Never close to right. And so very exhausted.
On my days off I would rush to the store, do a quick wipe down of the main parts of the house, do as much laundry as I could, and try try try try and never quite make it. I would snap at the fact that after rushing around all day trying to get all the things done I had forgotten cat food and the cats had none and I didn’t have another day until Sunday to get to the store again and I would blow up.
I’d go to be feeling like I was failing.
And then I would get up in the morning and do it all over again.
Our lives then were GOOD. Don’t get me wrong. I have been happy. I have loved. I have laughed. I have found joy in the every day. It was good. But I knew it could be BETTER.
Last night, as I cuddled on the couch and made fun of Claire in the movie doing the whole movie in heels (what does it say that the dinosaurs didn’t faze me but I had to mention EVERY TIME there was another jungle or running scene where she was STILL in HEELS), I was overwhelmed with gratitude.
Gratitude to have an evening with my boys. Gratitude to have a night where I wasn’t rushing, where I could just sit still (I wasn’t even knitting!) and just be. An evening to get to know these boys of mine a bit more. An evening that will all too soon be a distant memory.
This journey our family is on, we’re still figuring it out. It isn’t all a Hallmark movie over here. We are going through a change and I don’t know of an instance when change is super easy and pain free. We are adjusting still.
But last night felt like such a gift. Such a wonderful treasure of a gift.
I hope that you all make time to just be quiet and be with your family and loved ones this weekend. It’s so worth it!