Our house is for sale.
My husband is grasping his chest at this point at reading that line. I SAID it. ON MY BLOG.
Yuppers, our well loved farm is for sale. And I have learned a few tips that I thought I would share with you. Tips on how to NOT sell your house.
1. Do NOT put a “For Sale” sign in front of you house.
And you all said, “Duh!” But really, our house is for sale and we don’t even have a for sale sign in front of it. Why? Because my husband feels that if someone sees a for sale sign in front of our house that someone will think that we either have money problems or are divorcing.
This revelation was shocking to me.
“Seriously?” I asked incredulously. “Every for sale sign you see in front of a house you think is because they have money problems or are getting divorced?”
“Yes,” he answered most definitely.
“You never drive by a house with a for sale sign and think “hooray for them! They are on to a new adventure!” ”
Silence. “I seriously cannot comprehend this.”
“Everyone thinks that.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You are just naive.”
“I like being naive.”
And so our house is for sale minus a for sale sign. We are using the For Sale by owner site on Zillow. It’s working rather well, surprisingly. If you haven’t checked out Zillow you need to!
2. Have not one dog, but two.
We love our puppy Liberty. We love her to pieces. I am beginning to think that people who look at our house are not as appreciative of an adorable beagle puppy who cries forlornly that you will not let her out of her kennel.
As if Liberty’s mournful serenading were not enough, our outdoor dog is on our front enclosed porch. And she is not happy about it. The one day we showed our house and I let her stay outside, she barked and growled and wouldn’t let anyone near the porch. She is protective like that in a crazed dog sort of way.
3. Have not one cat, but two.
Waylon and Hank the kittens that are really big nearly two year old cats are not at all pleased that these people show up at out house and will not pet them. They are so persistent getting in their way and tripping them all up and still no one pets them.
4. Have not just chickens but guineas as well.
Some people like chickens. Some do not. But chickens can be very cute and are very paranoid so they run away and scatter when someone shows up.
Guineas, on the other hand, fly in to check things out. Stealth is not their thing. Screaming is really what they do best because they are all cackley and have to talk louder to be overheard from the other guinea.
Someone on youtube recorded a guinea. Ours are louder. And fly. They fly a LOT.
5. Have not one child but four.
Four children, boys especially, guarantee that the house will never ever be clean and that fun things will be found everywhere. Like the time a realtor was giving a tour of our house and found discarded air soft guns with flashlights duct taped to the barrels.
6. Live in the country, with a dog.
Because Liberty is being ever so helpful she thought it would be a great selling point to bring up to our door every single dead animal she can find on all our property. Today I have a deer leg in the middle of the driveway. I have no idea where it came from. Last weekend there was dead rabbit carcass in two separate places. Those two places happen to be at our two doors.
7. Have a pet cemetery.
Have a pet cemetery that your children would like to show to potential buyers. Have them describe in detail the beloved pet buried there. Then watch their faces when the youngest says “But we are digging up Whiskers and moving him with us to our new house.”
8. Collect junk.
Technically, we don’t have junk (so I have been informed). We have scrap metal piles. Have those. It’s a great selling point.
9. Try selling in the dead of winter or, even better, in mud season.
This is great because then you can smile and say, “See, you are seeing the place in the worst time of the year. It only gets better from this season on!”
10. Did I mention the for sale sign?
I still cannot get over that. It’s worth mentioning it all over again.
For months I have been NOT telling you our house is for sale and there are so very many blog posts I have not been able to share with you. Hilarious things have happened. Now that I have shared this with you I look forward to telling you of more hilarious things to happen. Because it’s US, it’s going to happen.
But right now I have to go help my husband recover from the fact that you all may think we have money problems or are getting divorced.